Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
