I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
