he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
