Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
