He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
