please come you make the beer taste better
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
