I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
