the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
