Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
