...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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