your parents love me but you hate me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
