then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
