On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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