The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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