so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
