I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
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I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
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Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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