I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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