If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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