I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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