Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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