I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My vagina is officially offended.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
