Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
