he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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