seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You ruined the universe
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
