a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
