ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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