I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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