Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
