think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
