guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
