its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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