New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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