Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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