I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
