Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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