Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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