Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
