I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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