so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
