I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
