At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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