I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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