I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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