I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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