I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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