Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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