He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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