why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
