I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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