apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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