First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
