i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
