I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My cat gives me a boner
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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