i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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