The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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