I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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