please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
