He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
