i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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