so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
